please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
