I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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