I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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