My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
