I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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