and you said cock pushups were impossible
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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