i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
