Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
it glows. i had to have it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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