and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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