He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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