I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
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The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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