I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
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