I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
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