I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
