I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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