i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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