Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
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He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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