Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
