So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
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Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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