If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
