it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
