if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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