I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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