Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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