so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
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She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
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She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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