the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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