I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
