I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Randomize
