um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
