Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
