quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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