i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
