sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
