what day is it and did you see me today?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize