Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
