Ambien. No doubt about it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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