Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
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there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
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She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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