Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Sext me about skeletons
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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