I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
