I think my fart just growled at me.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
