i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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