Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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