I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
