Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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