i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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