if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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