So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
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There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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