Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
