There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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