"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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