Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We need a shit load of segways right now
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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