dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
