god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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